Guest Post: Bathroom Awkwardness

Here's a great awkward encounter from two co-workers, Laura and Brenda. They too, as accountants, see awkward people everywhere. Well, mainly in bathrooms. KEEP THE GUEST POSTS COMING.....

Brenda and I enter the ladies bathroom to change after our daily afternoon exercise. Standing at the sink is a woman who appears to be a homeless woman (her scent, unpleasant and potent gives her away). Her cream (well, now it is gray) and pink knit hat compliments her gray sweatshirt with the word “Grumpy” scrawled on it and a picture of the Disney character. Pajama pants (high waters). Wool socks. And pink (very pink) crocks. She has the body type of an apple on toothpicks. And there is more! Her less than endearing quality appears as she opens her mouth to speak -she has only one tooth on the bottom gum and she has a space missing on the top which conveniently allows space for the one bottom tooth to fit snugly without touching any other teeth. We are mesmerized and cannot help but stare at her large grin.

“You are attorneys,” She says with confidence “No we are accountants,” I explains. This opens us up to a barrage of one way conversation. She has just seen her attorney. She had to turn in to some paperwork. Her description of him is ‘tall and cute’, but since we don’t work in the attorney’s office we couldn’t put a name to him (of course, what is the first question that pops in your head… or at least would have if you saw her? Yes! How does she afford an attorney here in this office? Believe me, these lawyers ain’t cheap). We are still a bit stupefied by her presence so we stare in silence. She turns to leave but she has a second thought and turns back to say, “I just want you to have a blessed life because you are special and deserve it.” (Has even God been hit with bad economic times and even the angels he sends are having a hard knock life?) We thank her and think that we have ended the awkward encounter... (If that was the end of our story we wouldn’t have a need to write about it.) But She continues.

She stands there expectant, looking at us. Brenda breaks the silence saying, “Well you certainly don’t seem Grumpy today,” referring to the ratty sweatshirt. She says, “Oh, I just wore this for the warmth. See these pants are thin,” pointing to her threadbare pajamas. “I have been wearing these pants for 6 days now and they are really comfortable. See jeans are too heavy and are not comfortable. I put on sun screen every morning. I use the children’s sun screen. You should put on sun screen on your entire body every day.” (Hmmmm - Good bit of advice, right? But we live in Seattle and it is flooding out there right now!) “I put sun screen everywhere here.” Points to her bikini line (though we would shudder to see our new found friend in a bikini). “And here.” Motioning over her large chest and broad shoulders. “If I do every morning then I get no redness in those areas.” (Note to self, sun screen prevents chaffing. We will make sure to pass on that excellent piece of news.) I start backing up and Brenda starts heading toward the last stall.

“One more thing” she says, stopping us in our tracks. We wait expectantly, hoping against hope that she will quietly walk out the door. “You should go and get a check to see if you have a hernia. Those are painful and need to be checked.” (Ok, more solid advice.) “I had one,” she continues. “I couldn’t really eat and I was convinced to go see a doctor. The doctor was really good and even gave me a wonderful tummy tuck.” (Yes, we looked at her stomach - who wouldn’t? Needless to say, she might give Santa a run for his money on that ‘belly shaking like a bowl full of jelly’ business. The tummy tuck didn’t do much.) We did the courteous “Well, thank you.” Brenda has made it to the far stall by now but I am closer to her and I have been stopped by the counter; I can’t back up any further.

“One more thing” she says again. (Oh, yes, more life-changing advice!) “Do you know where Renton is?” We nod, if we talk she may mistake that for attentiveness. “Do you know where the Dollar Tree is on Sunset?” We nod again. “Behind the Dollar Tree, way in the back, they sell pills; 20 for a dollar. I take white ones that help your joints and brain. They are great. I am remembering things from 4 years ago.” Brenda and I look at each other in wonderment as she continues, “ I take red ones too. The red ones are for weight loss. I take both the white and the red. I haven’t gained or lost any weight and the pills are great. So you should go to the Dollar Tree off Sunset in Renton, you know where that is, and get those pills. They are in the back, way in the back. They must have something else in them because you really feel good after taking them. They must make you high too!” I, with a stunned look on my face, say thank you and head for a stall. Brenda enters her stall quickly saying, “Thank you for the information”. A muffled sound comes from Brenda’s stall as the woman says “well, okay” and finally turns, the door swishing behind her.

Brenda’s muffled giggle turns into roaring laughter. I am near to tears unable to hold back the laughter. As the laughter wracks our bodies, we recount, in detail, the things that the woman told us. Knowing that few will understand what just happened, we discover your blog and HAD to send our story… So maybe this really is an accountant’s tribulation…